The trees are convincing me that it really is autumn. I love this time of year....the transition to a different time. Although I'm not looking forward to winter, I do relish in the changing of the seasons.

This is a strange time for me. I have dreams all the time of giving birth...the alliance is doing strange things to my life. I feel as if I'm finally focused on something that's mine to create. And I'm challenged to create in partnership with other people. My tendencies to protect things that matter to me will only work against me in this scenario. There are times I feel as if I'm being stretched beyond my breaking point - to stay on focus, to generate conversations, to reach out and connect with people. I have spent so much of my life believing myself to be outgoing and gregarious - and not really dealing with my strong desires to be very safe.

This hasn't been safe. I've failed and forgotten and not tried and had a few great successes. I'm excited to be at the beginning of something. And I'm scared. Afraid of not doing everything I can the way I need to be.

But enough of that. I'm also amazed and inspired and deeply moved by how precious and precarious and utterly breathtaking life can be.

I was so morose as a teenager. There seemed to be nothing bright in my immediate future; even in a today. So much of my time was spent managing, controlling, obsessing, worrying. Those are hard habits to break. And now as each year passes I find it easier and easier to accept and even proclaim my deepest faults.

I'm judgmental. I hold grudges, sometimes for a long, long time. I am fiercely protective about things and people I love. I am suspicious and it's hard to earn my trust. I spend too much time obsessing about what people think of me. About how long it'll be until someone proclaims that I am a fraud. I walk around fearful that I will be abandoned, again, by everyone I love. I am stingy with my time and affections. I am closed, scary and intimidating, especially to certain kinds of women who always end up in my life. I am blunt and sarcastic and rude. I get angry very easily. I betray my feelings and hopes and inspirations. I get lazy and unmotivated. I have high expectations of people and their actions. I have a strong sense of justice and can be hypocritical in my assesements of other people. I humiliate myself on a regular basis because of all of these flaws.

And despite all of this,

I crave the company of bold and passionate people. I keep working toward a vision of people and earth that I can't rid myself of. I love the sound of crunching leaves and deep breaths of cool autumn air. I believe in the goodness of people. In the power of the sacred. In the divine force of love that offers forgiveness and the experience of unity. In our ability to learn, grow, develop and expand. I swallow my pride and forgive in my heart and learn to get over myself. I am awakened by the blissful nature of my cat. By the perfection of bees. By human devotion and kindness and compassion. I am humbled by the humility of others who work selflessly for the good of someone else. I admire the artistic and adventurous and brave.

And somehow, despite my imperfections and mistakes, my life is filled with people who are brilliant. Who are strong and who have faith. Arthur is continuously loyal, despite his own concerns, my faults and others' pressure. Jim is constantly adoring, even with my split attention and unusual life. My mother, who will always believe in me and see everything that's wonderful, even when I'm weak and distant. Glenda, who always challenges me to do my best and to be more honest with myself. And Susannah and Chris and Holly; Sarah and Madge and Kevin and 4 of 5 and everyone else who believes I have something special to give, and who won't be fooled by my hiding.

Whatever I've done in my life, I am blessed. And deeply grateful.

This was not what I thought I would write about. I thought I would say something witty about crazy women and afros and boots.

I have no idea what will happen to me tomorrow or in one year or five or twenty. I just hope to be one of the brave ones.