Current location:	the office
Current mood:	sad
Entry tags:	intimacy, love, relationships, travel

Travel plans and Sad Girl
Wow, I just never write in here anymore.

I can't believe we're just days away from Christmas. This holiday has been funny for me; I'm terribly poor and therefore haven't purchased a single gift for any of the people I really love.

This makes me feel a little guilty. Not because gift giving is an obligation, but because...well...I like giving gits, and I haven't done whatever it takes to pull enough $$ in the business alliance's door to have a decent paycheck in months. The business alliance is, however, quite awesome.

Anyway...A and I are leaving tomorrow to travel to the west coast, to see people and spend time with his momma in Grants Pass, OR. We'll be in the bay area between the 22nd and 24th, and then in southern Oregon from the 24th - the 30th or 31st. Then we'll head to Portland for a couple of days before flying back to Denver on the 2nd.

If you live in any of those places, it'd be rather great to see you.

In other news, I think I'm really losing it. I feel as though I've come a long way in my relationships (especially with A, whom I adore, and who loves me very well), but I'm currently missing something that seems so big I don't know what to do about it.

I miss being in love. I miss being wanted and adored. I miss being romanced, and the New Relationship Energy. I miss being discovered and treasured. I miss having a regular, fulfilling and intimate sex life. I miss having a lover. Although J and I haven't officially "broken up," our relationship has changed over the last year, a lot. And although I love him (and always will), I find myself in a place I haven't been in a very long time.

And I'm likely embarrassing myself and all of my friends, because I'm looking - trying people out and inviting them to come into my heart. Most of them don't want to. And that creates a kind of pain and loneliness that I'm unaccustomed to.

I probably shouldn't complain - I have a great life with great friends that I treasure dearly. And if I were willing to reject my ideals and practices regarding relationships, I could probably find a very nice boyfriend or husband that spent lots of time and had lots of sex with me. But that would just be retarded and wrong, and a terrible lie. So instead, I have much that doesn't feel like enough.

Today I am Sad Girl. And I have no idea how to come out of it, because fundamentally I know that i can't place my happiness on other people's heads. But still. Why is this so difficult? Why can't I have friendship and sex and intimacy and love? How can I have so much of some of it, but not enough of all of it? What the hell is wrong with me? 

Grrrr. Going to shut up and get back to work now.