And suddenly there's a huge gaping hole in your chest where something used to be. But you can't exactly remember what, because that little fucker called Doubt runs up behind you and snatches all the certainty, confidence and hope you've been carrying around lately. And you can't feel your feet on the sidewalk, even though you know you're there. It's surreal, like the Las Vegas strip. You can't tell what's real or not and any moment the earth could spin just a bit faster and you could fly off into darkness.
You can't tell whether you should fight or flight, so you do both, simultaneously, and trip over your own feet. Your pride is stuck to the bottom of your shoe and the whole thing is disgusting.
And everything you thought you knew about people and love seems so very far away - like the songs you once learned in school that are barely audible anymore. The silence of so much unspoken drowns out the traffic and even though you saw this coming, you can't help but feel utterly, unexpectedly, broken.
Torn between throwing everything you have at their feet in one last desperate attempt to keep the thing you wanted most dearly and hurling yourself in front of the cars beside you, you become immobile. Neither option seems very dignified.
And all the reassurances that you're lovely and great and that it isn't you mean absolutely nothing, as you stand there while everything that seems to matter drains away in one quick, impersonal flush.
As you drive home, you keep thinking that maybe it shouldn't hurt this much, and maybe you shouldn't be so sensitive, and maybe you're making a big deal out of nothing. But you notice that you've been covering your chest with your arm this entire time, because that big gaping hole is still there. And the pieces of your heart are still knocking around like pebbles in your shoe.
At least there's no one to blame in this affair, except myself. I may have called too often or wanted too much or felt too deeply. And it surprises me, how much this matters. Yesterday was also my ninth wedding anniversary, which is ironic (and not). I haven't felt this way since ... well, I can't remember. I know that relationships change (because people do), but all the other transitions in the past few years have either been more graceful or less significant. I know that I'll live and be fine, but that's the funny thing about your heart shattering - you aren't ever the same. To carry the metaphor even further, if you please....we find ways of putting it back together. But it's rearranged differently and it might not even fit quite right for a while. And even while you wonder if it's just better to stay in the basement and stop trying to love people, you know that you could no more stop loving than to stop breathing, because they're the same.
PS: Some of you have asked for details about whom or why or how ...honestly, I'm not sure how much that matters, because I'm not sure how personal it all is. But to answer: I don't know why, and I'm still trying to figure that out, and I'm not sure I'll really ever understand it. Right now it doesn't make any sense. Who is a friend I admire and adore, who's also the coolest person I've met in a long while. (how's that for being non-specific?!) I think they're probably as confused as I am, but I don't really know. And how - well, I think it was completely accidental. It just happened to be a big accident, like a train wreck with smoke and flames. Or a small one. Again, I don't really know.
I can't believe we're just days away from Christmas. This holiday has been funny for me; I'm terribly poor and therefore haven't purchased a single gift for any of the people I really love.
This makes me feel a little guilty. Not because gift giving is an obligation, but because...well...I like giving gits, and I haven't done whatever it takes to pull enough $$ in the business alliance's door to have a decent paycheck in months. The business alliance is, however, quite awesome.
Anyway...A and I are leaving tomorrow to travel to the west coast, to see people and spend time with his momma in Grants Pass, OR. We'll be in the bay area between the 22nd and 24th, and then in southern Oregon from the 24th - the 30th or 31st. Then we'll head to Portland for a couple of days before flying back to Denver on the 2nd.
If you live in any of those places, it'd be rather great to see you.
In other news, I think I'm really losing it. I feel as though I've come a long way in my relationships (especially with A, whom I adore, and who loves me very well), but I'm currently missing something that seems so big I don't know what to do about it.
I miss being in love. I miss being wanted and adored. I miss being romanced, and the New Relationship Energy. I miss being discovered and treasured. I miss having a regular, fulfilling and intimate sex life. I miss having a lover. Although J and I haven't officially "broken up," our relationship has changed over the last year, a lot. And although I love him (and always will), I find myself in a place I haven't been in a very long time.
And I'm likely embarrassing myself and all of my friends, because I'm looking - trying people out and inviting them to come into my heart. Most of them don't want to. And that creates a kind of pain and loneliness that I'm unaccustomed to.
Today I am Sad Girl. And I have no idea how to come out of it, because fundamentally I know that i can't place my happiness on other people's heads. But still. Why is this so difficult? Why can't I have friendship and sex and intimacy and love? How can I have so much of some of it, but not enough of all of it? What the hell is wrong with me?
Grrrr. Going to shut up and get back to work now.
- Current Location:the office
- Current Mood: sad
- 13:03 @lortz nice! I need to try something from there....mmmm, chocolate. #
- 13:32 @lortz seriously. thanks for sharing that link! (Palin found to have abused power: tinyurl.com/3q2mfy) #
- 19:14 didn't go to the mountains today; we might go to hot springs tomorrow. eating soup and reading about the collapse of the mccain campaign. #
- 21:58 just for you, @agentwells : the theory of hipster relativity explained! tinyurl.com/2f67rj #
- 09:29 drinkin' a latte while filling out my mail-in ballot. I posted some info about voting recommendations here: tinyurl.com/4atcvf #
- 11:21 mmm, homemade peaches and cream oatmeal, with fresh local peaches. i have such a good life. #
- 11:28 @coyotegrrlphd and @artbrock: just more cats-in-microwave fun: tinyurl.com/yp3hgr #
- 11:45 getting really creeped out by the person sitting in their car and STARING at our house. wtf? #
But I must admit I am being somewhat lazy about my research. Artbrock filled out his ballot last night, and I'm using his resources to fill out my own. Thanks, Artbrock.
I really like Ken Gordon. He's a State Senator and ran for Secretary of State (I so wish he were in that office!) He's got a personable nature that doesn't seem smarmy, and I appreciate his viewpoint. He sends out an email to his supporters about upcoming issues, with information and his recommendations. Since ballot initiatives are often poorly (or deceptively) written, and don't give you info on the impact or who's backing it, I like his recommendations. I'm sharing them here for the benefit of my Colorado voting friends.
( Ken Gordon's Colorado Ballot RecommendationsCollapse )
Also, regarding Judges; we just used the "blue book," or 2008 State Ballot Information Booklet. They provide recommendations from a 10-person commission who rate the performance of each judge. If you don't have a copy, you can read the full text online.
- Current Location:home
- Current Music:something lovely on the radio
- 12:07 Happy National Coming Out Day! (all attempts at witty humor were either totally dumb or much too long for my twitter character limit.) #
- 12:29 digging some of the cat hair out of my laptop keyboard. ewwwww. #
- 12:41 wow. that was a strange 15 minutes of obsessive compulsive weirdness. i feel so dirty. #
- 12:54 I shouldn't be trying to work next to glenda. She found Nathan Fillion p0rn. tinyurl.com/3hjvbk #
- 14:38 holy crap it's cold today. Really not ready for this. #
- 01:51 we finally caught that mouse, in between two traps of peanut butter. poor thing. #
- 18:13 whoa, this is cool: tinyurl.com/3rcdug reminds me of recent conversations about pattern emergence and morphogenesis #
- 18:47 who wants veggies? #
- 21:48 making chocolate chip cookies. mmmmmmmmm. #
- 22:39 making soup and really enjoying that Bronwyn is such a silly place. #
- 12:19 walking out of the dentist with two new fillings and $300 poorer. ouch. #
- 13:58 we're putting out more mousetraps. again. do you think he'll go for the cheese or the peanut butter, or the hummus? #
- 17:24 It's 5 cent Burger Night, and we need a fourth. Who is up for burgers and shakes and crazy conversation with me, saintaaron and @artbrock? #
- 17:51 @itsthomas aww, i would LOVE that! It's been much too long, Thomas. #
- 17:56 the cat is in utter bliss right now. I'm really not looking forward to when he's lonely and needy again. tinyurl.com/4o2nhv #
- 10:07 is very cold. I'm not sure this bodes well for the winter in this office. :( #
- 11:55 @agentwells yes, yes he is. he's funny when he's high on painkillers, though. #
- 12:58 wishing i could have a desk fountain that sounds like a fountain, instead of a small motor. :( #
- 16:48 not feeling well. must needs rest. #
- 19:10 don't allow more abuses of power! McCain is guilty of cronieism and washington corruption: tinyurl.com/3r36ux #
- 19:20 @barackobama The question she asked was "how can we trust you?" not, why can't we trust him. Please, speak to our hearts as if we're people! #
- 19:45 the best way to address climate change is nuclear power? holy shit. grrrrrrrrr. #
- 19:49 when is @barackobama going to bring up McCain's ties to corrupt bankers and lobbyists? #
- 19:50 @joegerstandt lol. seriously. there are underlying assumptions that are just NOT being addressed, and it's making me crazy. :) #
- 20:06 opening the huge pile of mail that's been collecting for *months* I'm terribly embarrassed. And drowning in paper. #
- 20:16 yes, fundamental differences. and I don't trust you, mr. mccain. I don't freaking trust you. #
- 22:17 @freejoe76 You didn't do this, did you? tinyurl.com/5y58zw #
- 10:25 going to the dentist to get two fillings replaced. yay. #
- 16:50 just made it home after a long day; have a lot to do in the next hour before the community re-knitting salon. Will you be there? #
- 11:11 feeling more grounded, more connected, more vital. looking into which things i need to shed, and which to build. happy happy happy. #
- 14:46 is about to indulge in a mid-afternoon nap #
- 17:56 is finally working on the IRS tax application that's due tomorrow. :\ #
- 18:33 is counting down the hours until @arbrock's plane arrives. Haven't seen him in over a month. Very excited! :) #
- 20:11 @lortz omg! we're both watching the same show. Weird. ;) #
- 21:44 listening to @coyotegrrlphd rant about mutton chop facial hair. #
- 11:07 having a lovely day in boulder with the kids. about to indulge in Mac and cheese. #
- 11:34 having to endure a loud, obnoxious phone conversation of àn obnoxious freshman. oy. #